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The Day My Mother Said She Didn’t Like Me Anymore

How anxiety, addiction and recovery shaped the work I do today



Growing Up Feeling Like Something Was Missing


I grew up in modest surroundings with unrelenting anxiety.


My mother had three children to raise and carried the weight of the household. She did everything — cooking, cleaning, washing — while also working and trying to help us with our homework when she had the time. That time was rare.

My father worked constantly and was usually too tired to engage with us when he came home.

Looking back, I understand they were doing their best. But as a child, I felt something was wrong with me. I never seemed to have time spent with me, and I didn’t understand why.

I felt empty. Like something essential was missing.

I had no confidence and no idea who I was meant to be. I was simply existing, often asking myself:

“What’s this all about?”“What’s the point?”


The First Drink

One night when my parents were out, I had my first drink.

That first glass removed my anxiety instantly.

For the first time in my life, I felt confident just being me. I could talk to people. I felt relaxed. It suddenly seemed like anything was possible.

It felt like I had discovered a magic potion.

I was like Popeye after eating spinach.

Deep down I knew it probably wouldn’t end well, but nothing had worked like this before. So I told myself I would just accept whatever happened.

I needed that feeling again.

I was only 13.


The Spiral

By the time I was 15 I was drinking regularly.

Within a few weeks I had been arrested twice.

Through my teenage years my drinking escalated slowly — from weekends, to weekly, and eventually to daily drinking.

I was fighting life and I was fighting myself.

I had lost hope and my family had to watch me self-destruct. The worst part was that the anxiety had returned — and the drink no longer worked the way it once had.

In truth, it hadn’t worked for a long time.

What I really needed was an intervention.


The Conversation That Changed Everything

One day I went to my mother’s house to ask for money.

I had run out and needed more drink. But of course, I had a different story ready this time. I told her I needed money for an electricity bill.

I knocked on the door.

My mum answered and looked at me with sad, pitiful eyes. She said nothing at first.

I told her my story and asked if she could lend me the money.

She kept looking at me.

Then without breaking eye contact she said something I will never forget.

“Martyn, you’re my son and I will always love you. But the truth is I don’t like you anymore. I don’t know you anymore. You don’t visit to ask how I am or spend time with me. You just come when you want money. And you lie about why you want it when I know full well it’s for drink.

Do you know what it feels like to give your son money knowing he might go out and never come home?

I don’t sleep when I know you’re out drinking. I can’t do it anymore.

You’ll have to find another way of getting money.”

Her eyes never left mine.

There was no anger. No judgement.

Just exhaustion, despair, surrender… and pity.


The Loneliest Moment

I left her house feeling like my last hope had disappeared.

For the first time I felt completely alone.

I also felt the enormous weight of consequence.

And strangely, I knew she had done the right thing. I wasn’t getting away with it anymore.

The months that followed were some of the darkest of my life. I continued drinking while occasionally trying to find help, but I still wasn’t being honest with myself.

At one point I visited a famous beauty spot and seriously considered jumping.

The only thing that stopped me was my stubborn pride.


The Beginning of Recovery

Eighteen months later I walked into an AA meeting and admitted something I had never admitted before:

I needed help.

Through the 12-step fellowship I began a journey that changed my life.

I had to face my own behaviour honestly. I had to admit my faults and make amends to people I had harmed along the way.

What I received in return was something I had never expected:

Love.Grace.Kindness.


The Work That Followed

Recovery didn’t just mean stopping drinking.

I had to face deeper issues that had shaped my life:

  • The impact of an absent father

  • Family estrangement

  • Enmeshment and unhealthy emotional patterns

  • Anxiety and shame

Although I had thought about suicide many times in my life, I never lost the feeling that I had something to give.

Today, I help others work through these same challenges.


Full Circle

I’m grateful to say that I have now reconciled with my family.

Today we have deeper, more honest and more meaningful relationships than ever before.

Helping others through their own struggles now feels like part of my continuing amends — not just to others, but to myself.

And the beautiful thing is, it doesn’t feel like work.


If This Story Resonates With You

Many people who reach out to me have experienced similar struggles:

  • Growing up with an absent or emotionally unavailable parent

  • Anxiety and low self-worth

  • Addiction or destructive coping patterns

  • Family estrangement or complicated relationships

If any part of my story feels familiar, you are not alone.

If you would like to talk, please feel free to contact me through my website or email me directly.

Your first call is complimentary and completely confidential.


Sometimes one honest conversation can change everything.



 
 
 

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