When You’re Asked to Apologise Without Knowing Why

I never imagined that my relationship with my adult child would come to this: a demand for an apology, but no explanation of what I’ve done wrong. It’s a strange kind of limbo—wanting to make amends, but being denied the clarity needed to do so.

This statement above is a common problem for my clients who have been confronted by their adult child and are left in this dilemma. It can be 'Crazy Making' and this in itself brings people to me as they are unable to move forward - the overwhelm is all consuming. Below are some of the emotional patterns experienced by these parents.

The Weight of Not Knowing

There’s a particular ache in being told, “You need to apologise,” without being given the reason. It leaves me questioning every memory, every word, every choice I made as a parent. Was it something I said in anger years ago? Was it the way I handled discipline? Was it the times I thought I was protecting them, but they felt controlled?

The silence around the “why” makes the apology feel like a shot in the dark. I want to be sincere, but sincerity requires understanding.

The Fear of Getting It Wrong

You worry that if you guess, you'll only make things worse. Naming the wrong incident could reopen wounds that weren’t even the issue. Saying “I’m sorry for X” when the hurt was really Y risks sounding dismissive, as though you don’t truly see their pain.

And yet, doing nothing feels like abandonment.

What I’ve Come to Realise

• Sometimes, the child may believe the harm is obvious. They might think, “If you don’t know, then you haven’t reflected enough.”

• Other times, withholding the reason might be about control—reversing the power dynamic of parent and child.

• Or perhaps it’s simply too painful for them to explain.

Whatever the reason, I’ve learned that demanding clarity won’t help. Pressuring them to spell it out only deepens the distance.

How I advise people to respond

Start to frame your words differently:

• “I don’t know exactly what I did to hurt you, but I can see that I did. I’m sorry for the pain I caused, and I’m willing to listen when you’re ready to share more.”

• “I may not understand the full picture, but I regret the ways I failed you as a parent.”

It’s not perfect. It doesn’t erase the confusion. But it acknowledges their hurt without demanding an explanation they may not be ready to give.

Moving Forward

Estrangement thrives on silence. Reconciliation, I believe, begins with humility—being willing to apologise even when the details are unclear, while keeping the door open for dialogue.

You don’t know if your child will ever tell you what they need to hear. But I do know that your apology, however incomplete, is a step toward showing them that you care more about healing than about being right.

My sessions are designed to help bring you the ability to sleep at night regardless of the situation. Book a call with me today and let's get you started on your healing.